All I need is a Boarhound.

It struck me this morning that, because of my job and my very presence, one of my alter egos could be Rubeus Hagrid, from the popular Harry Potter book series. Herewith is my Top Ten list of reasons I should dress as Hagrid this Halloween.

1) I am taller than anyone else on staff. In fact, next to the man nicknamed DeVito and the woman nicknamed Tweety, I'm positively enormous.

2) I am a groundskeeper. According to Wikipedia, Rowling says of Hagrid, "Hagrid was always supposed to be this almost elemental force. He's like the king of the forest, or the Green Man."

3) I am in charge of the fuel keys. ("Keeper of Keys and Grounds" -- that's me.)

4) We don't have a Forbidden Forest, but we do have the grove of trees planted by the Board of Regents, which I'd like to ban students from getting near (because they repeatedly steal the plaques with the Regents' names on them).

5) I have a little bit of magic, but I'm not a whiz (nor, indeed, a wiz) at it.

6) The staff (kids) are more at ease with me than Boss (Dumbledore) -- and, if you come to my house, I'll gladly feed you tea and rock cakes.

7) Hogwarts. Ag. college with hogs. Same difference.

8) My furniture is plus-sized.

9) I have a giant tankard (72 fl. oz. capacity) that will get me absolutely sloshed if I take it to The Three Broomsticks. (Come to think of it, I wonder if the High Desert Brewery would fill it if I brought it in.)

10) I like dragons and am foster father to five (Draumar, Drambuie, Dramamine, Dovey (the only girl), and Dram; species undetermined but resembling Common Welsh Green).