Anhydrous Wit

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Friday, March 24, 2017

Full of Bull

Yesterday, my boss wondered how his nephew was such a good salesperson to our high-end clients.  Well, first, he's young (ten years younger than me).  Second, he's attractive in one sort of way.  Third, he's a great bullsh-t artist.  That man creates more bullsh-t than a field of cows.

That sounds impressive, until you think about it.  Did you ever realize that all the herds of cows* you've seen are females?  You can't gather bulls in a field because they'd fight with each other.  I mean, I've heard of bulls, but never a herd of bulls.

* "Sure, I've heard of cows."  (Lou Costello)

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Things You Don't See

A guy with a seeing eye dog going into a strip club.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Impon... Stupid Question of the Universe #5

Every so often, I share with you a question I wonder about, such as, "Why did [x] happen?"  This time, I have a question that would be better known as, "Why did you even think that?"

Considering that Jewish people aren't allowed to eat pork or shellfish (among other foods), do you think they watched The Muppet Show when they were children?  After all, look at all the pigs and lobsters and singing clams that were on the show!

(I left #'s 1 - 4 available because my pride says that I couldn't possibly have come up with the dumbest question in the universe.  Surely, someone else can think of stupider ones.)

Friday, March 10, 2017

Face Up? Face Down? Face Palm.

The office manager oversees the paperwork for two other companies in addition to the one I work for.  This afternoon, one of the other managers was supposed to fax the paperwork for a new employee.  I pulled six blank sheets off the fax machine.  Our boss phoned the manager and told him to turn the pages over and try again.  The second time, it came through fine.  (He has used the fax machine before, so I don't know what his problem is.)

A few minutes ago, I pulled six more blank pages off the fax machine.

Move Over, Diogenes

"What are you looking at so hard, Dad?"
"I was looking for Earthian logic, common sense, good government, peace, and responsibility."
"All that up there?"
"No.  I didn't find it.  It's not there any more.  Maybe it'll never be there again.  Maybe we fooled ourselves that it was ever there."
("The Million-Year Picnic" by Ray Bradbury)

This post wasn't inspired by recent politics.  (Lord knows that politicians have been arguing for centuries.)  I just read that story at lunch and had to share it because it epitomizes my thoughts exactly.  I used to joke that I have so much common sense because I went to Thomas Paine Elementary School, and whomever didn't thusly lacked common sense.  That's not true, of course, because I'm sure some of my fellow students have never had common sense, and some people who didn't attend Paine manage to have common sense anyway.

Mind you, a web search brings up only two U.S. elementary schools by that name, other than the one I attended, so that might be indicative of the rarity of common sense in this country.  What does it say about our society that we don't have more schools named for Paine?

Monday, March 06, 2017

Obviously, We Need More Weatherstripping Around the Window

You know it's windy when... there are whitecaps in your toilet.

Okay, so it's not that bad, but the water in the toilet bowl definitely was moving, in our bathroom at work today.

Friday, March 03, 2017

I Get by with a Little Help from My Friends

If you're in danger on a ship or airplane, it's traditional to issue a distress call, such as "S.O.S." or "Mayday!"  If you're in trouble on April 30, should you yell, "Walpurgis!  Walpurgis!"?

Thursday, March 02, 2017

I Didn't Think He Could Even Read

Today, a co-irker (thanks for that term, Robomarkov) did his usual thing of tossing a figurative hand grenade then scarpering, leaving the rest of us to clean up the mess he left behind.  Right before walking out of the building, he told our boss, "Now we're all on the same page."  Yeah, but he just put down the book.