Would you like to take a survey?

"Do you like beans? Do you like George Wendt? Would you like to see a movie with George Wendt eating beans?" (the Survey Ladies, Steven Spielberg Presents Animaniacs)

As much as I gripe about being the victim of negative attention (because I'm too tall, too fat, too smart, wear glasses, etc.), I also enjoy being different every once in a while -- particularly when it comes to surveys. I love it when I'm an oddball whose answers don't fit in the pre-formatted choices. Honestly, I don't try to screw up surveys; I just think differently than other people.

About 15 minutes ago, the office phone rang. The caller (who identified herself as a member of the campus journalism dept.) said that my number was selected at random. (This is obvious, as our number covers over 50 employees, not just me.) The woman asked a few questions about the upcoming U.S. Presidential election. One was which major party candidate I would vote for if the election were held tomorrow. She stumbled a bit when I asked her to define "major party". (She meant Democrat or Republican, not Libertarian, Green, Communist, nor any other.) I really confused her when she asked if I am registered as Democrat, Republican, or Independent, and I in turn asked her if she meant the Independent Party (which is an oxymoron, but they didn't ask me before they decided to call themselves that) or just that I am not affiliated with a particular party. (She meant the latter.) The survey results won't be published until the week before the election, but I already suspect that my responses will relegate me to the big, honkin' catchall "Other" or "Undecided" category.

I'm not undecided, though, and I said that to the guy who knocked on my door. (I might have mentioned this already this year.) He confirmed my name and telephone number. He asked if there are any veterans, hunters, or fishers in my household. He asked if I had decided which Senatorial candidate to vote for. I told him that I never reveal for whom I vote. He said he would list me as "undecided". I replied, "Oh, I know who I'm going to vote for. I'm just not going to tell you." (There are more than three choices, people!)

I once couldn't complete an online, customer service survey from a retail department store chain. One question asked what I use my cellular phone for, and gave several choices. The survey wouldn't let me leave it blank, so I was never able to finish it. I e-mailed the webmaster that the survey is restrictive because it assumes two things. 1) Everyone has a cell. phone. 2) Everyone uses said phone for something other than just making phone calls. I never got a response to my comments.

The Nielsen company once mailed me a dollar bill and a form to fill out, indicating when I had the TV on (whether I was watching or not) and what programs were on. Since I watch very little TV, and since I'm the only one in my household, the chart was nearly blank. I never heard back from them. I guess I don't count, since I'm not married with 2.4 kids and a pet.