Simpletons

I opened a new container of cottage cheese tonight.

Hmm-hmm. Dum-de-doo.

Okay, Betty, have you stopped cringing?

Anyway, I noted that something has been added to the tamper-resistant, freshness seal between the lid and the product: instructions. "Lift tab. Peel back." Now I'm confused.

1) Were consumers having so much trouble removing the seal that the producer thought that directions were necessary? 2) Wouldn't you think that, if someone had the wherewithal to remove the lid, which does not have similar opening instructions, s/he could remove the seal, as well? 3) How am I supposed to open my yogurt? It doesn't even have a lid on top of the seal. Am I allowed to open the seal if there's no lid above it? 4) Are Americans really that stupid?

I'd like to see someone set up an experiment to determine how long it would take chimpanzees to open a cottage cheese container; yogurt might work better because it's sweeter. Step one: show a chimp a yogurt container. Step two: demonstrate to the chimp how to open the container by peeling away the seal. Step three: feed the chimp some yogurt (nummy!). Step four: give the chimp an unopened container. Step five: observe how long it takes the chimp to reach the wholesomely delicious calcium and fruit-like sugar syrup inside. It wouldn't surprise me if chimps mastered this awesomely difficult task in five seconds or less.

The problem with packaging requiring so many stupid instructions -- such as not to drop your hair dryer into a full bathtub (but it didn't say not to...) -- is lawsuit-happy people. Ever since that woman sued McDonald's because her cup of coffee didn't announce that it would actually, incredibly, amazingly, stupefyingly be, oh, shall we say, "hot", and then won the lawsuit, Americans have gladly relinquished any claim to their native intelligence for the sake of potentially millions of unearned dollars (which, if litigants truly are that stupid, would promptly be wasted). Who was dumber: the plaintiff or the jury?

These people have the thought processes of children. "Why did you do that?" "But, Mommy, you didn't tell me not to!" At least children have the excuses of inexperience or incomplete brain development. (Come to think of it, some of my employees act like children some times.)

When I was in college, we took a friend's roommate to Denny's for the first time. He was just off the plane from the Czech Republic and ordered nachos, which he had never seen before (the picture in the menu must have looked darned good). He started picking at the tortilla chips with a fork, puzzled, until we told him he could eat with his hands. He appeared delighted. The point here is that he observed, received instruction, and learned.

Did this woman never see anyone drink coffee before and say, "Ouch, that's hot!"? Did she never observe steam coming off of a food or different beverage and knew that meant it would be hot? Did she not realize, when she took the cup from the drive-up window employee, that it was warm, even in the slightest? Did she not have a cup holder where she could place it while receiving her bagged order? (In which case, why didn't she sue the auto manufacturer, as well?) Did she even, God forbid, think that it would be sensible to place the beverage between her legs because it was warm? Did she just happen to wake up that morning and decide to try this thing called "coffee" on the menu, even though she never had it before, had no idea it was a hot beverage, and then, seeing it was in a cup, put it between her legs, which is not a naturally tenable position for a cup?

"Now I know how American Gladiators stays on the air." (The Brain)