Mr. Universe

I went to Outdoor Adventures, a local bike store, after work yesterday. I had finally decided on a particular bike helmet to buy. (I prefer the red/gunmetal one, because I'm afraid that the white/silver one would make me look a little too much like Ultraman.)

The assistant (and I use that term loosely) was a college boy with a deep but gravely voice. He sounded completely unenthused to be there, and it didn't appear that helping customers was something he wanted to do, even though it's what he gets paid for. After a while, I decided that his voice sounded like a car in neutral; the engine revs, and you think you're about to go somewhere, but you're stuck in one place. If I had a deep voice like that, I surely wouldn't waste it as he did.

Anyway, College Boy said that they don't have that style, though they do stock Giro helmets. Well, do you think maybe you could order one? Naturally, he had to go check with the one adult employee in the store. Yes, it was in the catalog, so they could, and would I like them to? Wait. First, I need to try it on and see if it fits.

You'll note that the size listed for the helmet says "Universal Fit Adult". When College Boy said that "universal" means it fits everyone, I chortled and explained that I am one of the unfortunate humans who is destined to blow the "one size fits all" designation out of the water. (Have you ever noticed that many companies now say "one size fits most"? That's because of me and people like me.) I have long legs, a short torso, and narrow feet, and genetics appears to have supersized my head. (This is definitely true. One of my brothers and I inherited a large head from our mother.) You might as well call me "Little Brainy Bighead." Yeah, I know that smacks of Elmyra, but it fits nonetheless. (Hey! Something fits me.)

The store also stocks the Trek brand of bicycle helmets. The company offers the Interval XL Sport Helmet, which I guess I could live with, since we already appear to be at the "just show me something that fits and hope it isn't pink" stage. They didn't have that model on the shelf, but I tried on a "large" to see how (if) it would fit. Naturally, it didn't. Did they have any extra-larges in the back? Naturally, they didn't.

I'm heading to Albuquerque for the Labor Day weekend. Conveniently, there are one or two bicycle stores and an REI near the Costco where I refuel. I'll stop by those places with all my printouts of possible bike helmets and see if they have any that fit my Mr. Universe size head. If I'm lucky, one of the ones that fits also will be reasonably priced. If I'm really lucky, one of the ones that fits also will look cool.

If worse comes to worse, I can try again next week at the Ride-On Sports here in town. I wasn't too chuffed by the College Boy employed there, but they have a fantastic web page chock full of useful information that (it appears, at the very least) they wrote.