A Suggestion for the President

The radio this morning said that President Obama intends to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center where "enemy combatants" are kept. The reporter went on to talk about "harsh" interrogation practices. Mr. President, I offer you two alternatives to waterboarding and other disputed methods (and these don't put the suspects in physical danger).

1) Chain the suspect to a chair and force him/her to watch infomercials with Billy Mays, the guy who always yells. If I race from another room to find the mute button on my remote control when he comes on the screen, imagine the information you could glean from people who are powerless to move! Of course, they might ending up gnawing off their limbs to be free of the shackles, but that's a self-inflicted injury, so it doesn't count.

2) Continuously play episodes or songs from Barney. I might even give up my mother if you did that to me. Unfortunately, the alternative is that the person might become a vegetable or even spontaneously die, but that's more socially acceptable than any "collateral damage" from warlike or terrorist attacks on civilians.

Gentle readers, can you suggest any others?