Manager Wanted. No Intelligence Necessary.

I know there's less than three months left on our contract, but wouldn't you like to come work with me? You don't need to know anything about horticulture, and you don't need to have any management experience. The only job requirements are that you can nod, say, "Yes, sir," and (figuratively) roll over and offer your ass to a random freak on campus.

The first thing Sub did was give up on leaf blowers. Our crew now uses them only Mon. through Thu., from 7 a.m. until 9 a.m. (Otherwise, the guys stand around and pick their noses, I guess.) This was because one person, who has been branded as the campus whiner for years, claims the blowers stir up too much dust and pollen and aggravate people's allergies. It doesn't matter that, at this very moment, you can go out to any fruitless mulberry tree on campus and watch the pollen waft into the air. It doesn't matter that this is March and spring is the windiest time of year, with 60 mph gusts not uncommon.

I just heard the second dumb thing this morning. We are going to cut down one of the largest Afghan Pine trees on campus (maybe one of the largest trees period) because a rich donor wants us to. It's not outside the building named after him; it's in front of the building that houses the collection of petrified wood he donated to the university.

So, if you want a job where the hardest duty you have is not thinking, I'll give you Sub's job. Better yet, if you want to put a flock of pink, plastic flamingoes on the Horseshoe (our campus lawn), paint every third leaf pink, or stop us from mowing the grass because of pollution, come to Las Cruces! We'll do whatever you want!