What’s in a name? Hopefully, good food.

The new Chattanooga phone books arrived last week, so what else is there for a TV-less, radio-less, book-less bachelor to do except look for restaurants, since the cafeteria is closed for two weeks and I’m getting sick and tired of ham or PB&J sandwiches (at least until I bring back my kitchen supplies from New Mexico and can prepare hot meals)?

Unfortunately, the yellow pages aren’t very helpful as far as telling what kinds of food are served at the restaurants, unless their names are Abuelo’s Mexican Food Embassy (can a burrito seek asylum there?), BBQ Shack, or Shogun Japanese Steak and Sushi Bar. Still, some of these places sound appealing.

Ankar’s Hoagies -- I tried to find this place this past weekend, so I could walk in the door and say, “Okay, you’re on,” but I was so busy looking for the address that I didn’t notice that the name of the road hooked right, but the paved surface kept going, so I ended up on the wrong street. I’ll try again and dare them to live up to their name.
Bamboo Restaurant -- for discerning pandas.
The Big Biscuit Barn -- I wonder how big.
Big River Grille and Brewing Works -- definitely on my list to try, along with the Hair of the Dog Pub (within a block of each other downtown).
Bleacher Bums -- sounds like a hot dog place.
Blue Coast Burrito -- the colors I usually associate with burritos are red or green.
Café Lemont -- It’s not that the name sounds good; it’s that it’s across the street from campus, so I’m going there for lunch tomorrow.
Café Yumbo Gumbo -- one hopes the gumbo is as “yumbo” as they claim.
Casa Rolls Dinner Drive Thru -- do they serve anything besides rolls?
Central Park -- these are little drive-up shacks that look more like they’d fit in on a Boardwalk rather than Central Park. (The burger was okay; the fries were eh. Definitely not Boardwalk Fries, no matter what the shack looked like.)
Chattanooga Choo Choo -- advertises “Unique Victorian railcar diner [for] fine dining in intimate surroundings.” (Not to be confused with the Chattanooga Chew Chew dog park.)
Chattanooga Food and Drink -- simple and understandable.
Cheeburger Cheeburger -- this place was packed last Friday (not just because a party of 15 beat me in the door), and the friendly host said it was more crowded last week. It probably won’t be my weekly burger place because the burgers were just okay and the onion rings were tasty, but I will have to bring my friend Gimpy there if he ever visits, so he can eat their Pounder (actually 20 oz. before cooking) and have his photo tacked up on the wall.
Comedy Catch and Giggles Grill -- I don’t think I could ever eat at a grill called Giggles.
Critters -- I wonder what kind of roadkill the special of the day is.
The Crust Pizza -- May I have sauce and cheese, please?
Defence Restaurant -- I wonder if that’s a typo or if the owner is from Great Britain or Australia.
The Deli Man & the Cake Lady -- They serve only lunch and only on weekdays, so I didn't get to use my coupon this past weekend. I'll have to try them next week, since the dining hall still will be closed.
Famous Dave’s -- I know a lot of Dave’s; can you be more specific?
Fat Floyd’s Deli -- You know the old saying, “Never trust a skinny cook.”
Fed-Up Café -- Where the slogan is, “Eat here and get fed up.”
Figgy’s Sandwich Shop -- Can you trust a Figgy as much as a Fat Floyd?
Five Guys Burgers & Fries -- Let’s hope too many cooks don’t spoil the burgers.
517 Subs -- If you're the 518th customer, you're out of luck.
Flatiron Deli -- Does anyone besides my mom even remember flatirons?
Fox and Hound Pub & Grille -- If this place is decorated like the Disney movie, I’m outta there!
Georges Restaurant -- Did he leave out the apostrophe? Is it a restaurant owned by George, or is it a restaurant only for guys named George?
GollyWhoppers Sandwich Shop -- Will I get kicked out if I walk in and ask to see their gollywhoppers?
Good Dog Restaurant -- If you sit and stay, you’re allowed dessert.
Happy Dreams -- I’d have happy dreams if the servers wore nothing but… Um, never mind.
Heavenly Wings -- Do the wings grow back every time a bell rings?
The Home Plate -- sounds like another hot dog joint, but this one isn’t downtown, near the stadium.
Hour Place -- better bring a good book, if it takes that long to be served.
The Ice Cream Show -- sounds like an offering on Food Network.
Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches -- How gourmet can they be from a guy named Jimmy John?
Karl’s Family Restaurant -- advertises “Jesus Christ is the answer.” What was the question?
King Burger -- either the phone book staff needs to check their entries, or we have a serious copyright infringement suit in the near future.
Magoo’s Restaurant -- unless he has started wearing glasses, I won’t trust what he manages to put on my plate.
Master Blaster BBQ -- This place got the song “Bra Size 45” stuck in my head.
Mr. Happy -- Wanna make me happy? Have the servers wear nothing but… Um, never mind.
Mr. T’s Pizza -- I pity the fool who eats here.
Modern Dave’s Café & Smokehouse -- He must be Famous Dave’s up-to-date cousin.
Moe’s Southwest Grill -- You’re a long way from the Southwest, Moe.
Mom’s Italian Villa -- Funny, I didn’t see that in her will.
Moon Bottom -- This place must be for those guys whose pants hang down past their boxer shorts.
Murphy’s Eatz & Sweetz -- Let’s hope “eatz” doesn’t rhyme with “sweats”.
New York Diner -- I ate at this place last weekend, after not finding three other restaurants. It’s not a true diner style, but the menu makes a grand effort.
The North Chatt Cat -- Alliterative, yes, but is it any good?
Out of the Blue Café & Kites -- Yes, you read that right.
The Pickle Barrel Restaurant -- I walked by this place on my way to Cheeburger Cheeburger.
Rib and Loin -- This place has to be good. The phone numbers for their two locations are 499-OINK and 877-PORK.
Rumors -- Eat here, and they’ll be talking about you next.
Ryan’s Family Steak House -- Human: the other white meat.
Scarlett’s Tea Room -- Yes, the “Frankly My Dear” Suite is located upstairs.
Serendipity Delights -- You never know what you’re going to get, but you know you’ll enjoy it.
Sticky Fingers -- I couldn’t tell you what’s on the menu because the campus server blocks me from loading their web page.
Susan’s Kopper Kettle Restaurant -- Every place I’ve ever been has a restaurant like this, and every one of them spells the name wrong.
Sweeney’s BBQ -- This must be where Ryan got the idea for his steakhouse.
Taco Mac -- Oddly enough, this place was recommended to me because of their beer menu. Who knows if the tacos are any good?
The Terminal Brew House -- Where to eat after the wife threatens, “If you drink one more beer…”
The Big Chill & Grill -- sounds like a place for Baby Boomers.
The Purple Daisy Picnic Café -- and after we’re done eating our lunch in the meadow, lets sing songs and make garlands of daisies for our hair!
Tubby’s Real Burgers -- Fat Floyd and Tubby, I’m on my way!

And the winner of the most imaginatively named restaurant I’ve seen so far is…. Aretha Frankenstein’s. -- I don’t care how bad the food is, I want a T-shirt. (I also have a request from a friend for a coffee mug, if they have any. I’m going this weekend, so get your order in early!)