The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

That's actually a pretty good metaphor, considering how many bags I have to carry to work on some days: lunchbox; bag w/planner, sunglasses, and novel; backpack with CAD class stuff; gym bag; and, if we had homework, computer bag. I put the backpack on my back, the computer bag over my shoulder, the gym bag in one hand, and my lunchbox and carryall bag in the other hand. You'd be amused by watching me maneuver out the door, lock the door, get those keys into my pocket, get down the stairs, and unlock the trunk of my car, all without setting down any of the bags. Every time, I wonder how I manage it. On Tuesday, this camel's back broke when Ob tried to set something else on it.

Background: I used to (or maybe still do, this being the crux of my tale) receive the campus solid waste invoice each month, break it down by department, and issue a spreadsheet charging each department. Over the years (three and a half now), I have also created tally spreadsheets for volume, weight, type of department, etc. Depending on how many interruptions I get, it usually takes me two to three days to finish. (I once came in on a Saturday and whizzed through the process in five hours.)

More background: Ob has been the recycling/solid waste manager for over a year, but he has no idea what his budget is, how I process the invoice, nor how he is credited for the departmental charges and any income from recycled paper. Boss told Ob that he had to learn how to process the December invoice and take over with the January invoice. At least, that's the way I interpreted it.

A few days after the invoice arrived, Ob and I found a mutually acceptable time so I could teach him. Given Ob's tendency to talk (and talk -- and talk), we agreed to meet the next day to continue his training. Given Ob's tendency to talk (etc.), we agreed to meet the next day for a third training session. Instead, Ob took his buddy, the other asst. mgr. (they're so inseparable, I've taken to calling them Chang and Eng)* and assailed the office manager for two hours, asking him to explain how Ob gets reimbursed by the departments. He never came for (what I hoped would be) his final training. (The office mgr. later told me that he probably upset Ob by telling him that he should worry about learning the invoice process from me first and master it before he attempts to figure out how the money comes back.) The next work day (after the weekend), I didn't see Ob. The following day, he was helping his cohort type up disciplinary notices for two employees, rather than learning what he was supposed to from me. It really chapped my hide (being the conscientious, rule-following being I am) that he was privy to private, personnel matters for employees not under his purview, not to mention that he wasn't doing his own job.

Obviously (no pun intended), we weren't getting anywhere, so I processed the December invoice and sent it through on my own. Ob-and-friend agreed to work on the January invoice together. (For 3.5 years, the other asst. mgr. hasn't shown the slightest interest in what I do, yet now he's gung-ho to help Ob?)

Some time last week, Ob mentioned that he had received January's invoice. I was kind of blase about the news (thinking, but not saying, "So what?"). Tuesday, during his daily confab with Tweedledee (actually, they do look a lot alike), I heard Ob say, "Here's the monthly invoice." I thought that he was talking to his other half, setting up their work session to process it, but I sensed him sneaking behind me to slip the envelope into my inbox. Whoa! Hold the phone! "I thought the two of you were going to do it this month," I interjected. Nope. In the World According to Ob, I was merely showing him what I do, so he'd be aware, but I was to keep on processing the invoice each month. Uh-uh! I put my foot down.

That was when Ob relied on his usual conversational blitzkrieg, hitting his opponent with excuses all over the place, hoping I'd be too distracted by the sheer volume of bombs to send up my anti-aircraft fire and bring him down in flames. (He don't know me very well. Do he?)

First it was Project A (what Monkey See and Monkey Do are working on) is the most important thing. Then it was the invoice is the most important thing. One, which is it, Ob? Two, I inferred that the invoice was important enough for me, but he was too important for the invoice. (Zigzag maneuver, not a bad tactic, but I kept him in my sights.)

Next, he tried the "I have too many other things to do" routine. Apparently, my projects (X, Y, and Z) pale in importance -- in his mind -- to his project, even though they have deadlines two weeks earlier than his. He asked why I couldn't do the invoice right then. "In your own words, [Ob], 'I have too many other things to do'." (He hit our starboard engine! We're losing altitude!)

His third attempt was quite lame. "We had a discussion about this." I don't know who "we" was, but it certainly did not include me! (Man, that second engine isn't sounding too good, either.)

Next salvo: "You're not a team player." If being a team player means doing whatever Ob wants me to do (especially if he feels it's beneath him), then I need a new dictionary.

Last chance for the doomed aircraft: act childish and petulant. 1) He started yelling (while I remained calm and quiet). 2) He said that he was "pissed off" (not obscene, but rude nonetheless) at me. 3) He declared that "we" (Ob and his shadow and me, this time) would have a meeting with Boss the next day (i.e. running to Daddy) to discuss my "bad attitude". 4) He slammed the door when he left the room. (Crash and burn, baby!)

Fine by me. All I need to know is whose responsibility it is. I will abide by Boss's ruling. I will keep the meeting focused on the invoice processing and not allow it to swell into everything Ob perceives I am doing wrong. I will silently repeat this mantra in my head. "I did nothing wrong." I will tell Ob, when he interrupts me as I tell my perception of Boss's earlier edict (as he most certainly will, being as ob-noxious as he is), that I will not tolerate being interrupted and that I will return at a later time and talk to Boss one-on-one. If Boss happens to ask the circumstances of our disagreement, I will point out that I was not the one who raised his voice, who used vulgar (not obscene, but vulgar) language, and who slammed the door.

Winnah, by a knockout, me! (Okay, so I switched metaphors again.)

That was Tuesday. The meeting for Wednesday (yesterday) never happened, as The Merry Wives of Windsor didn't even come into the office during the day. (Although I am fairly certain that they spoke with Boss at the Project A worksite, judging from some things Boss said to me that afternoon.) The meeting (which Ob so strenuously demanded) didn't happen today, either. Instead, Yin and Yang tried to kiss my butt by thanking me profusely for processing the invoice and for doing it so quickly. (First, kissing butt doesn't work on me. Second, it was too late even to try.)

Tomorrow, I will enter Boss's office and calmly ask him to clarify his instruction that Ob learn how to process the invoice: whether he is to take it over or if the training was merely to be informational. I will not use any of Ob's diversionary tactics. (I did nothing wrong, after all.) I will not be petty and point out Ob's behavioral shortcomings. I will be a rational, mature adult and not pick apart my sad, desperate coworker's behavior -- unless I am asked.

It has been a year or more since Ob falsely accused me of various things, but I have magnanimously granted him multiple second chances. This was his last one. He is now on my sh*t list. You officially have my permission to dislike him.

* I am getting tired of typing "the other asst. mgr." If you have any suggestions for a nickname for Ob's constant companion, I will entertain them here. However, please do not suggest "Blob". Although it naturally pairs itself with Ob (like Chang and Eng or Tweedledee and Tweedledum) it is too close to the person's physical nature, and I don't wish to be that cruel -- yet.