G(u)ilt Offering

TV writers, comics, and others make a big deal about Catholic guilt or Jewish guilt. Let me tell you that the guilt from a Midwestern, Protestant, widowed mother is pretty darned big, too.

I received a letter from my mom today. She started writing it on Saturday, after the kerfuffle that ended up with me not visiting her. It began, "I am very disappointed right now. I didn't know of your plans...."

Wham!

I can account for her increasing forgetfulness causing her not to remember that I had told her my plans, but that doesn't matter. She was "disappointed". She feels bad. Now I feel bad that she feels bad. Now I feel guilty because I didn't ignore what she told me and visit her anyway. (Winnah by a knockout, less than two sentences into the round!)

"Now I have probably disappointed you also." (Um, yeah.) "It's not your fault." (Is she apologizing or breaking up with me?)

She describes more mundane things (such as the roof repair crew coming) for a couple of paragraphs, then, "I am still disappointed that you didn't come up (even though I reasoned my reasoning as I did)."

Nope, that Midwestern, Protestant, widowed mother guilt doesn't let go easily.

She described how the neighbors are helping her, including taking her to K-Mart for some clothes that fit ("three pairs of slacks [dressier than the jeans] and a bra").

I took her to K-Mart, but she told me she wanted jeans, not something dressy. (Guilt: I didn't take her to look for nice enough things.) She bought some things when she went with the neighbor. (Guilt: none of the jeans fit when I took her.) (Daily Double guilt: she stopped eating when my dad died and she had no one to cook for, so she lost a lot of weight and her clothes don't fit, so I took her to the supermarket for some TV dinners, so she'd have at least one decent meal a day, but I can't be there myself to make sure she eats.)

"I was going to have you take me to an office place and get a new shredder as this one stopped and [neighbors] couldn't get it started." Guilt: her plans were ruined because I didn't visit. Guilt: she needs a shredder, but what I bought her for her birthday was a $50 Style America gift card to have her hair done (because she seemed to appreciate it so much last year).

To top it off, she included a $300 check to start reimbursing me for the trip expenses (plane tickets, hotels, etc.) I am encumbering for my cousin's wedding. Guilt: I have a job and money; she's on a limited income and shouldn't be extravagant. Guilt: I'm not around to help her spend it on herself. Guilt: she sent a check for six times the value of the gift card.

Before you think I'm completely hopeless, take heart that part of me does want to accept the money. Then I can finally buy a new computer I have been pondering for months, or I could save it for a new car, or I could fix the leak in my laundry room, or I could hire an electrician to rig the lights on my veranda so they actually work, not to mention that she has been financially supporting one of my brothers for years and I feel a little like the brother of the prodigal son....