Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into!

I meant to write this earlier in the week, but a few days' delay has just helped this become more anhydrous. (Make yourself comfy. This will take a while, but I guarantee that you'll be entertained.)

As I mentioned in my 12/28/10 post "You're never too old to learn", Thing One and I went to J. C. Penney's last weekend, where I bought some curtains and a bed set for my apartment. What I didn't bother to mention was that both types of curtains were on sale at 50% off -- plus a further 10% with a coupon from the weekly circular. The bed set was listed at $169.99, but I bought it on clearance for $50.00 -- less the additional 10%. I paid for the bedroom curtains with a gift card I got for Christmas from the St. Bernard. I paid for the living room curtains with a gift card I got from Skippy and two American Express gift cheques (from an aunt) I had been saving for a rainy day. So, the bed set was the only item purchased with my own money. Do I know how to get a deal, or what?

Well, Thing One wanted to go back to Penney's on Sunday to see if her curtains (which she had ordered several days before mine) had been delivered yet, and to exchange the bathroom rug set she had bought for a different color. I tagged along, strictly for the purpose of making sure she didn't make a wrong turn on the way, since this was the first time she was driving herself there. (If your foreshadowing alarm isn't going off right now, send it out to be checked.)

While in the bathroom section, I noted that the January white sale had already started. Hey, the towels, rugs, and shower curtain were all on sale for 40% off, and some of the towels (navy and red) and the toilet rug (navy) fit with the new color scheme I planned, and the shower curtain matched both the color and theme exactly, so why not buy them while I was there?

Oh, since we're already here... Thing One wanted to look for tablecloths and placemats. I went to browse the lamps in the next department, just to keep myself entertained. Hey, does that say... Yep, Thing One verified my eyesight; that lamp (not this one, but similar) was indeed marked down 80% for clearance, and it was a style I liked (after seeing dozens of lamps elsewhere that I had no interest in), but there was only one with the pink clearance sticker, although there were two otherwise identical lamps on the shelf with it. We saw no salesperson in the department, so we took the lamp back to the drapery department and asked K (whom we might call not our "personal shopper" but our personal sales assistant) if the clearance tag was accurate and if the other lamps also were on clearance even though they weren't marked as such. She didn't know, since it wasn't her department, but she walked with us back over there and asked W (the saleswoman who had appeared) if the other lamps also were on clearance. "No!" was W's quick response, complete with scowl. Oh, well. I might as well get another one, even at full price, since it would look stupid if I had just one lamp on my nightstands (which I haven't found yet). As we carried the two lamps back to K's department, she muttered that it was ridiculous that only one lamp was discounted, and my heart leapt at the thought of... Well, that would be wishing a little too hard, wouldn't it, to hope that I'd get both at the lower price.

"Oh, you've been looking for a bookcase, haven't you?" Thing One asked, and suggested we browse the furniture department. K kindly offered to store our items on the "hold" shelf in the back, and we moseyed on. Hoo boy.

I saw a lot of nice pieces, and I had some questions about a bookcase (on sale at 50% off), but D, the salesman, was busy with other customers, so we looked at mattresses. Well, Thing One wants a queen size bed instead of the long twin borrowed from the dorms (imagine how I feel after 18 months on one), and I could just buy the king size mattress I want and lean it against the wall until I order the platform bed I've been pondering lately (and the mattress would also help insulate the wall while it's leaning there), and the signs do say that all mattresses are the "lowest price of the season" -- and did D tell us that, if I signed up for a store credit card, I'd get an additional 10% off the day's purchases?

No, it would not be out of place right now to hope for D's sake that he's on commission.

Oh, the bookcase? Well, one side of the sign said the sale price was $100 higher than the side D quoted, but that one was wrong since the previous shift hadn't bothered checking all the signs, so the price he told us was the right one. Thanks, D. It's really tempting, so let me ponder it as we continue to mosey.

Hmm, that dinette set looks nice, and it's the right size for the apartment, and the finish would go with the kitchen cabinets, and it's marked 50% off, too, and the set certainly is sturdier than the ones we saw in the discontinued furniture store, and the chairs are large enough for my giraffe legs and hippo butt (I think so, Brain, but what if the hippo won't wear the beach thong?)... Let's check the dimensions of that bookcase, shall we?

The bookcase was a little larger than the two I had perused at other stores, and it was a lot better quality, and the cherry finish would match my coffee table and TV stand, and it really does look suh-weet, and those glass doors slide "like buttah", and, even though it's wider than the other two bookcases I saw, it probably would still fit where I was thinking of placing it, and it's awfully expensive contrasted with the other two, but it is 50% off, and, you know, whenever I leave The Noog, I think it would just fit in that corner of my condo bedroom which I had designated as my reading nook (what better piece for a reading nook than a suh-weet bookcase?)...

By the way, D said, that dinette set also was marked with the wrong price. The actual sale price was lower than the one on the sign. (Or maybe he just liked my smile.)

Okay, I know when I'm beaten. D might as well have been a young Vogon shouting, "Resistance is useless!"

Here's how it all ended up: mattress = 51.5% off, bookcase = 50% off, dinette set = 60% off -- oh, and that additional 10% off those items for opening the charge account -- bathroom supplies = 40% off, lamps = 80% off (K did indeed ring up the second one at a discount), plus that additional 10%, plus the 15% off coupon I had for responding to the online survey after my previous purchase...

I think spending $2,106.50 in one store in one day is practically obscene. I just need to keep reminding myself that I saved $2,786.76; that's more than I spent! (When's the last time you saw a cash register going backwards?)

Does it help if I say that I didn't buy anything at Belk, when we went there next to check out tablecloths and placemats for Thing One (you remember her, the person we really went to The Maul to go shopping for)? I deserve a little reward for that, don't I?

Oh, drat! But at least I got eleven books for less than $70, and that's good, right?

And that's why, in our managers' meeting at work Monday morning, I told everyone that Thing One and I were no longer allowed at J. C. Penney without a chaperone.

Now you'd think that would be the end of the story, and it was, but I didn't get the receipts back from Thing One on Monday night, so I couldn't blog about it then, and Tuesday I got my haircut after work and took Thing One to Sugar's for dinner, and Wednesday was bowling, but Thing One got me the receipts back today, so I'll just blog tonight...

Tonight started off so innocently. Thing One got her first paycheck today, and she wanted me to accompany her to the bank, to make sure she knew the way. "Hey, there's a place called Furniture Liquidators Warehouse," in the same shopping center, "Do you want to go there, since we're here?"

Didn't I already say, "Hoo boy"? Well, it applies here, too.

The store had a lot of furniture I thought looked nice, even though I already have a sectional and coffee table and TV stand (and shortly a dinette set and bookcase) -- and I mean that the store had a lot of furniture that wasn't to my taste but I still thought didn't look ugly. Oh, well, it won't hurt to browse, right? And maybe I'll check to see if they have any credenzas I can use for my stereo. That was just a little idea I'd had. I might do that someday, after I pay for the...

Bingo! (Yay, you got your foreshadowing alarm repaired!) There was a console table... with a cherry finish... in mission-like style... and it was marked 50% off retail... and it was the right size... and it might not fit in Thing One's trunk, but maybe we could slide it upside down on her back seat (or come back on Saturday with my mini-SUV)...

By the way, C, the saleswoman said, after checking with the manager, the credenza also was marked with the wrong price. The actual price is lower (60% off instead of 50%) than the one on the sign. (Or maybe she just liked my smile.)

Hey, since I repeated "hoo boy," why not reuse other statements that apply?

I intend to tell my fellow managers tomorrow morning, "Now there are two cities where Thing One and I aren't allowed to go without chaperones."

By the way, it did fit upside down in her backseat -- just barely. Oh, and Thing One wants to go back on Saturday anyway, because she really liked one or two of their rugs (so I'll need to drive my car this time), and maybe I'll like one of them, too, and Penney's did phone both of us to say our curtains had arrived....