Does anyone else have this problem?

"Technophobia" isn't exactly my problem.  Sure, I distrust technological advances, and many of them are pretty much unnecessary.  (Does giving every school child a laptop to take home change the principles of learning addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division?)  My problem is more that the people who develop and market technology either don't understand that not everyone can comprehend how to use the new devices, or else they flat out ignore this "marginal" portion of the population.

For example, the powers that be at work have decided, for whatever reason, that I was to be issued something called an "iPhone 5".  (I don't know how long the Apple Corporation was offering similar devices before I realized that the "eye pads" I heard people talking about were the same thing as those commercials on TV because I honestly could not distinguish the lower case, sans serif letter "i" which begins the names of the devices from the upper case, sans serif letter "P".  I thought they were ads for "Pads".)  Of course, if I can't even see all the letters in the device's name, do I really need an instruction manual?  Well, someone at Apple evidently thinks not.  All that came with the device was a folded piece of paper called a "Quick Start Guide".  How can I start if I don't even understand the jargon it contains?  (I guess the people who already know how to use the first four of these devices understand it, but how good can the thing be if they keep having to improve it?)  The brochure provided a link to a website (I guess if you use one of these things, you are assumed to have internet access) for the actual owner's manual.  It's nearly 160 pages long!  (No wonder they don't put it in the same box as the phone.  At the very least, it would need its own box.)  At this time, I can't afford to buy more printer paper and another ink cartridge, but I will print the durned thing eventually, as one of my technophobic characteristics is the markedly higher understanding of what I read on the printed page vs. what I read on the computer screen.

What my problem really is (and if any of you know a term for this, or can coin one, please let me know) is that one of the good Cap'n's superpowers is that I flummox technology (sometimes in quite abstract ways).  It's as if I exude an electromagnetic field that screws up anything electronic.  This, unfortunately, plays a part in me wondering if I will get paid at any point.

In my company e-mail inbox was a message (sent before my start date, for some reason) instructing me to sign up for benefits at a particular website.  (They used to give a telephone option, but that apparently has gone the way of the Dodo.)  I went to said site and clicked to "register as new user".  I was prompted to enter my birthdate and the end of my Social Security number.  For further "security", they asked for my zip code.  Well, the zip code for the office didn't let me through.  The admin. asst. and I both figured they probably meant the zip code for my home address – whatever that is.  Did they mean my Noog address, or did they have the more recent address, when I was staying at my mom's?  (See?  I can't even log on to a website, that's how strong my power is.)

 Well, the ABQ zip code let me in (I mean, after I started all over, because, by the time I got back to the computer, the website had timed out), and it asked me to update my work cell phone number, which I did, but it wouldn't let me change my home phone number, which was listed as the one in the Noog.  (They had my newer address but not newer phone number?)  It instructed me to call a toll-free number to change it.  After none of the choices applied to me, the automated system finally put me through to someone in a central Asian country, who said that he couldn't change my phone number and instructed me to dial a different toll-free number than the one on the screen.  (At this point, you should totally understand why I loathe technology, as well as why I think "it's out to get me".)  I called the second number and refused to argue with the voice-recognition system, and it took a ridiculous number of times (more than five but fewer than ten) of me not answering before the system agreed to put me through to a human being.  That woman (who had a Hispanic accent but was far easier to understand) said, "I don't know why he said he couldn't change your number because he can and we can't.  We're only involved with former employees."  (At this point, you should wonder if the slugs who are contracted to answer phones are more worthy of the comic than even I am.)

 So, I informed admin. asst. again, and she phoned the H.R. department.  (In our company, as I presume in many others, that stands for "hardly reliable".)  She was informed that her regular rep. left to work for another company, and the one who is supposed to cover our account was off that day (Friday) and would be back on Monday.  (This is where the "abstract" part of my power becomes evident, since I now seem to inhibit human assistance in three different offices, after impairing the computer aspect.)  Admin. said that there's a way for me to change my address and phone number myself, but it involves a different website, and the H.R. dept. had not yet informed her (gee, why not?) of my user name and access code.  (Mind you, they were able to send me an e-mail about benefits before my hire date.)

Let's see:  I might or might not appear accurately in the H.R. database (or databases which don't communicate with each other).  I might or might not be able to update my contact information.  I might or might not be able to enroll for benefits.  Heck, I might or might not even get paid (especially since I don't know when my first paycheck is supposed to show up -- or are they not telling me that on purpose?).  I'd ask you to shoot me now, but then all those people who repair and reprogram computers and voice mail and what have you after I break them or point out bugs wouldn't have jobs any more.  On the other hand, it might be easier for you than creating a word for my tech-breaking ability (although you'd have plenty of time in prison to think one up).

By the way, I've successfully used the device to make and receive phone calls, send and receive text messages, and view and reply to e-mails.  I might have even been able to take a photo this morning, but now I need to ask someone experienced with this device to see if I did, and then what I should do with the image.