Bloody Vikings

My mom has kept my dad's internet account paid up since he died. At first, I thought it was a nice idea, but now I'm not so sure. She doesn't use it, and I don't use it, so why not save that amount of money each month?

Every week, I check the e-mail and delete all the spam. (There's another reason to discontinue the service: everyone who knew him knows he's dead and won't e-mail him, so all that comes in any more is spam.) "Surely," I wondered, "there must be a way to filter all this spam." I checked the spam filter; it was set on 7 (10 is the most restrictive). Even at that level, my dad's account garnered approximately 1,000 spam per week. I changed the spam filter to 8, and now it's down to a little over 600 per week.

Every so often, one of the spams will catch my eye. Here are some examples, just from the past week.

"Hot, Christian singles in your area" So I'm thinking, "Joan of Arc?"

"You could own a food franchise" Yes, he most certainly could, if he were alive.

"I want to buy your house" and "We want to buy your house" Sure, try to take advantage of the grieving widow.

"There was a strong, impetuous movement in their bodies, but at the same time there was elegant restraint in them." There's a book to put down after the first sentence.

"Sign Up & Get 1 Candy Bar for Every Day of the Month" Thanks, but I'm trying to avoid candy now.

"Victoria's Secret gift card at no cost (participation required)" This one sounds promising: free, and you get to participate.

"Computer problems are now optional" Yeah, so's having a computer.

"Be full of energy and fill your partner with it!" Fill your partner with energy? What is this, the remake of Cocoon?

"Drop 10lbs in two weeks" Heck, just give me a dumbbell, and I can drop it in two seconds.

"are you dating a con?" I sincerely doubt it.

"Quality life insurance coverage" You're a little too late, thanks.

"Cut Through Foods Without Crushing Or Smashing" Yeah, use a knife, dummy.

"you've seenWicker Man in the theater - now learn witchcraft" I know I'm not up on popular culture, but after scores of spam about "Wicker Man", I have yet to actually hear if this movie really exists.

"I won the lottery! Really!" Um, good for you?

"Hang pictures with no tools or use of studs" Aw, but I wanted a stud with a well-hung tool.

"Eliminate bloating and constipation" was immediately followed by "Keep your Septic System Trouble Free".

"Starting a Federal Contract Company" Been there, done that, authorized the company T-shirts.

"Here is a Complimentary* Bible for You" It's that asterisk that worries me.

"Can't keep up with your monthly Bills?" Actually, it's the monthly Joes who get away from me.

"Credit Profile Change" Yeah, death does kind of do a number on your credit score.

"Our Singles want to MEET and DATE you this weekend." I'm afraid they're going to stay single.

"Begin second youth in your life!" Ah, getting existential, are we?

"Say hello to your toes" Hello, toes.

"Women eliminate your balances today" I'd stay away from those women, if I were you.

"Dance your way to flat ABS" Who knew that the fox trot could fix your Antilock Braking System?

"What were more holy Than to rejoice the former queen is well." Proper grammar, capitalization, and punctuation, that's what.

"He tore open the plastic bag of water with the fish in it, poured out the water over the fishing gear, and put the flopping fish into the basket." Is that supposed to sound dirty?

"He had a clipped mustache and a crew haircut, the bastard." Yeah, damn him for being neatly groomed.