What does Michael Phelps have that I don't?

Aside from oodles of Olympic medals, gazillions of dollars in product endorsements, the waistline of a 12-year old boy, and people throwing themselves at his feet, regardless of his looks?

I don't want any of that, anyway. (Okay, a slimmer waistline would be nice.) All I want is to be able to swim in a straight line. I can't finish one length of the pool without bumping into the lane divider or the wall. I need to make a friend in the Noog who knows how to swim, so s/he can watch me and tell me how to fix whatever I'm doing wrong.