Anhydrous Wit

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Better Living through Classic TV

A young man walked into our office this morning, said he was from the I.T. department, and said he was there to replace our computers.  "Oh, okay," we said, taken utterly by surprise.

The fact that the computers were not new didn't matter to us.  They were newer enough, though, that the versions of our e-mail, word processing, and spreadsheet programs were "upgraded" versions.  And the displays changed.  And they no longer sent documents to the printer.

The young tech came back and fixed the computers so that they would print again.  He also changed something in the display, but now some of the text is too large, and the rest is still too small.  My coworker and I spent most of the day trying to reset our desktops and settings in the e-mail program.  Tomorrow, I'll see how much time I can bear to spend fighting the upgraded word processor, which doesn't resemble its predecessor in the slightest.

You know me well enough to guess my response.  I told my coworker that "my brain hurts" and that, since it was cloudy and windy, I'd go home, put on some warm clothes, fix myself a cup of  hot chocolate, and curl into the fetal position on the floor, sucking my thumb and sobbing.

Actually, after watching that, my headache is gone!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Please, Don't Squeeze

I was checking the spelling of "albumin" online (hey, it's closer than the dictionary, and I'm feeling lazy today) and caught sight of a related link to Whipple's Disease.  I felt the need to comment.

First, the website describes the condition as follows.  Whipple's disease is a rare condition that prevents the small intestines from properly absorbing nutrients. This is called malabsorption.  Wouldn't "Malabsorption" be a cool name for a rock band?  The disorder mainly affects middle-aged white men.  Uh-oh, that includes me now!  Can we go back a sentence?  Whipple's disease is caused by infection with a bacteria called Tropheryma whippelii.  Wait a minute.  Why don't they say how I can get infected?  Whipple's disease is extremely rare.  Rare or not, I really want to know how I can avoid becoming infected!

Oh, dear.  I suddenly feel like one of those susceptible schmucks who doesn't think he has a disease until a TV ad tells him he now can buy a drug to treat it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Don't Eat Yellow Snow, Either

I go to a discount grocery store that stocks only store brands, as well as other cost-saving measures.  Still, they use the same trick that most supermarkets do:  placing candy by the checkout lanes, hoping that customers will purchase some on impulse.

While at the store yesterday, I caught a glimpse of a chewing gum package out of the corner of my eye.  "Surely, that doesn't say...." I thought.  No, the name of the gum is ExciteMint, not Excrement.

Monday, April 21, 2014

I Wonder if She Has an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator

Here at work, our e-mail addresses are made up of the first five letters of our last names then the first two letters of our first names.  For example, Captain Chlorophyll's address would be "chlorca"*.  Now that I've set this up, on to the fun part.

I have received a couple work orders from someone whom I will call Angelina Martinelli.  (If you're a real person, Angelina, I apologize for borrowing your name.)  Yes, that makes her e-mail address "martian".

* Chlorco sounds like the perfect name for Cap's secret identity's business.

Friday, April 18, 2014

This Is Not a Bill

My insurance company mailed me a two-sheet statement that I haven't made any medical claims this year and that I don't owe them any money.  At least they printed the non-invoice on both sides of the paper.

Half-Naked as a Jaybird

Another sign of spring is that my upstairs neighbor has made his shirtless debut for the year -- a lack of plumage, if you will.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

We'll Start with the Pigeons at my Apartment Complex

Spring is finally here.  Despite the snow earlier in the week, temperatures have stayed above freezing.  Besides the ever-present wind, another symptom of spring (one I've looked forward to) is the presence of certain birds.  Blue jays have returned to the tree outside my apartment.  Now if we could just scare off the...  Well, you know.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Oh, the Weather Outside (Was) Frightful.

I meant to post this yesterday, but, you know, computer grief happened.

Here it is, mid-April, and it snowed.  C'mon, people!  I'm not in Canada; I'm in the south-central tier of the United States.  This should not be happening to me.

On the brighter side...
1) The snow didn't stick.
2) I've received two of my three tax refunds already.
3) My computer's almost-latest problem (the file manager and my web browser shutting themselves down whenever I tried doing anything with image files) was fixed with something called "a bios update".  The latest problem (getting hung up in the restart process during the bios update) was fixed by turning off the computer, unplugging it, holding down the power button (then releasing it), plugging the computer back in, and turning it on.  It booted correctly this time, and the almost-latest problem has gone away.  (I bet that tech. support wishes that I'd go away.)
4) Only one tornado watch so far this month!

Do or Do Not. There Is No Try.

I saw this on a copier parts box at work.  Apparently, there's a cardboard box plant out there somewhere that could stand to hire an English major for their proofreading.

Friday, April 11, 2014

I'm Not Dead, but My Computer Was

I swear, the number of times this machine has gone toes up yet been revived makes me think I should've named it Frankenstein's Monster instead of Arthur Dent.

Saturday, April 05, 2014

I Can't Keep Coming Up with Witty Titles for Posts like This

I walked to the post office this morning, to drop two bill payments in the outgoing mailbox.  On my walk back, I saw an emergency vehicle heading my direction.  However, it turned off onto a side street before passing me.

"Wait a minute," I realized.  If it turned off on the first road past the stoplight, it went down my road.  Here's where I thought, "Oh no, not again," again.

After I turned down my road, I saw red and white lights ahead (were they flashy-washy or flickery-wickery?).  I also saw headlights.  I thought the vehicle had turned around.  At any rate, it wasn't on the same side of the street as my apartment complex.

I spoke too soon.  That vehicle made a left turn.  I thought it was at the stop sign.  When I neared my complex, though, I saw not one but two emergency vehicles in the parking lot behind my building.  One of them was an ambulance, so it apparently wasn't a fire.  No personnel were on my side of the building, so I apparently didn't have to worry about my apartment.  Still, I'm starting to wonder if I'm destined to live in areas frequently visited by emergency vehicles.  I thought it was just the weather which I make wacky.

Friday, April 04, 2014

Curses, Foiled Again!

After almost two, trouble-free months, my computer went wonky again.  Tech support suspected a glitch in my operating system update and had me "refresh" my computer.  I noted that the description of "refresh" said that all my files would remain intact.  That appears to be true, except that all the software I had installed (word processor, spreadsheet, web browser, tax program, and various games) are gone.  Guess what I'm going to be doing (again!) this weekend!

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Oh, Hail!

The shop mechanic passed by my car today and asked, "When did you get the hail damage?"

"What hail damage?"

There are dings all over the hood and the tops of the passenger side doors, and those are just the ones the mechanic could see.

"When did it hail?" is the second question.

My best guess was that it was Monday evening.  I sat down to pay bills.  I got up about a half hour later, looked out the window, and said, "Oh, I guess it rained."  At a training this afternoon, a coworker mentioned hail damage to his car on Monday, so I guess it happened then.

It hasn't been that long since my car (the same one) suffered hail damage in the Noog.  My insurance company is liable to think something is up.  At least, if they suggest I should move to another part of the country, I can say, "I did!"

Everybody Stay Out of the Warehouse!

Today, I was recertified as a forklift operator.  "Why?" you ask.  Good question.  After all, I haven't touched a forklift since I was certified three years ago.  Plus, I didn't even know my crew has a forklikft.  No one is in much danger of me, though, since I was assured today that our forklift is broken far more often than it is operational.  So, should we suffer a nuclear holocaust and I'm the only employee left alive, at least there'll be someone around to operate a forklift.