Anhydrous Wit

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Homeless people deserve sexy, expensive underwear, too.

According to this site, if you purchase one pair of underwear (or a shirt or hat for women, since the products are distinctly male-oriented), the company will donate a pair to a homeless shelter.  Just think:  the next time you want to impress your wife/girlfriend (or the guys at your gym, for all I know), some homeless dude will say, "Thank you!"

It's a nice thought, but wouldn't Hanes or Fruit of the Loom do just as well?  For the homeless men, I mean.  I still want to look good for the guys at my gym. ;)

If you can read this, I'm too close.

So far, so good.  If this gets posted, that means my computer was fixed, and I can get online from home again!

Your Place, Not Mine

It's a good thing I'm single, or this ongoing problem with my bed would be more than a nuisance.

This is the latest chapter in what has, alas, become a saga about my bed.

You might recall that, back in August, I wondered what the cracking sound was which woke me up one night.  Then, in October, I figured it out.  I can't recall why it took me so long to call the company which sold me the bed (probably laziness or forgetfulness), but they said they'd notify the manufacturer and have them send me a new part.  (They also asked if I had installed the feet that came with the bedrail; I had not.)

The new rail arrived, naturally, while I was on vacation.  Thing One helped me take off my mattress, and the slats this past weekend.  That's when we observed that the new rail they sent:  1) was different (each end is "beveled", for lack of a better word) than the broken rail and 2) was a different size (thickness and width, not length) than the broken rail.  We also observed 3) that neither rail was oriented or pre-drilled to be able to attach the feet.  (This may or may not be the reason I did not install the feet in the first place, but as we're getting on to a year since I first assembled the bed, I can not remember at all.)  We reassembled the bed with the broken rail (flipped over, for a little more support for the time being, until either I finally get a rail I can use or until it breaks the other direction).

Yesterday after work, I phoned the vendor.  (Please note that every employee I have spoken with, up to the owner, is very courteous and helpful and knowledgeable and thorough.)  I asked for the owner, but he was not in, so the only message I left with the man who answered the phone was that the rail which arrived was different than the rail I already have.  I'll wait to reveal all the other details when I speak with the owner himself.

I was amused to realize that the employees of that company might not remember my name offhand, but they do remember that I'm the guy from Chattanooga that has ongoing issues with his bed.

I should've realized that there would be trouble when the owner told me that I was one of the very first people to buy this new variation of an existing bed model.

I'll need a new bar of soap tomorrow, though.

As I got out my shower/shave kit at the gym this morning, I noticed that my can of shaving cream is getting lighter.  Naturally, that replaced the song that had been in my head with this.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I just flew in from Albuquerque...

...and, boy, is my whole body tired!  Going to bed at 11 p.m. and getting up at 4:30 a.m. is not good.

As soon as I have enough sleep to focus, I can tell you about my trip.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Imponderable Question #7

If something falls in your dwelling (with or without the aid of a household pet), does it ever fall when you're not sound asleep?

At least it wasn't tonight, the night before I spend all day at work and then half of the night (well, my night, not your night) on a plane or in an airport.  (Don't worry; I'm sure something will keep me from sleeping tonight, so I'll be nice and grumpy all of tomorrow.)

Let me eat cake.

At the end of every quarter, our bowling league secretary distributes money from the prize fund and brings an almond-flavored cake.  Last night, because I had a big dinner, I restricted myself to just one piece of cake, and I paced myself about eating it, through all three games.  At the end of the third game, I looked for my cake, but it was gone.  Someone had thrown it away!  Where's my cake?  I wasn't finished yet.  Dagnabbit, I want my cake!

This incident reminded me of a conference I attended during college.  Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting was the dessert served during the final, awards dinner.  I was nearly done.  All I had left to do was to scrape the remaining frosting from the plate.  I was holding my fork directly over the plate.  Out of nowhere, a waiter reached over my shoulder, grabbed my plate, and took off, walking briskly.  He moved so quickly, and I was so stunned, I didn't even call after him to complain.

I should've kept the fork.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

New Year, New Jacket

A few days before the end of the year, the zipper on my work jacket started separating.  I asked Thing One, who is a whiz at sewing, if it was possible to replace the zipper.  Yes, she told me, but she wouldn't do it -- not because she didn't want to or couldn't but because it's a pain in the neck and probably will turn out misaligned.

So, I have a warm, durable jacket that can't even be donated to charity because of one lousy zipper.  I can't blame the jacket, though, because it has lasted me decades.  Honest.  I think my mom bought it for me when I was still in high school.  It had a good, long, useful life.  Still, I hate to ponder getting rid of it.  After all, a good Cap'n doesn't give up the zip. ;)

I then had to wear my brand-new jacket that I had bought for casual use (because I didn't want to wear my work jacket out into the world, in case it was smutty).  Wouldn't you know it?  The first day I wore it (that brand-new, casual jacket), I stood a little too close to the loader that Skippy was using to pick up broken concrete, and I got mud on it.

Yesterday, I had to look in a store for something my friend Gimpius Maximus wants.  (He got the last one where he lives and thought I could find the second one he needs.)  We went to that store and several others in that shopping center and the smaller Maul (Should I call it the Smaul?).  I found what he wanted, but I also got into trouble.  We spotted a brand-name, wool blend topcoat that felt really nice (5% recycled cashmere fibers) and looked sharp on me.  It was on sale for 50% off.  I was trying to convince myself that I shouldn't think of it as spending too much on a coat; I should think of it as buying a quality coat that would last me the rest of my life.  My reasoning process was saved when we couldn't find one in my size.  Still, they had a water-resistant, winter jacket (60% off) which I bought for work.  Then the cashier scanned a coupon to give me an additional 15% off.  (When Thing One and I get together, our powers of charm and thrift tend to synergize, and we end up getting deals we never expected.)

At another store, we found a similar style topcoat that cost less, was also 50% off, had the same amount of wool in the blend (but no cashmere) -- and had one in my size.  We walked by the display of hats, and Thing One wanted to see how I'd look in a knock-off fedora.  Lo and behold, they actually had one large enough to fit my large, oddly shaped head!  (Hats were on sale, too.)  Then we passed the clearance rack, and there was a brown, faux suede jacket that fit me and looked sharp, too.  For some odd reason, though, there was no check-out register in the men's department, so we slogged over to shoes.  (My arm was getting tired, holding up the coat and jacket.)  On the way, an unknown but very kind woman approached us, said, "Here.  You look like you need this," and handed us a 15% off coupon.  (See?  Synergy.)

I spent far more money than I should have.  (My last credit card bill had the gift certificates I bought for my employees' Christmas presents, but not the airfare for my upcoming trip home, so I was already running along the ragged edge of too-much spending.)  In my defense, I used "Australia Rules", everything I bought myself was on sale (even before the synergy), I did acquire Gimpy's item (the only thing not on sale), and I got my monthly supply of protein bars, as well as the protein bars for two of my employees, who are riding the coattails of my discount.

I really ought to go to the department store's website and see if they can get me one of those topcoats in my size.  After all, it was charcoal gray (I look good in gray), and the one I did buy was black, and those are two completely different things...

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Adopt a sheep today.

Be sure you take good care of it, too.  Give it anything it wants.  After all, doesn't everybody want a happy ewe near?