Anhydrous Wit

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Better Living through Sarcasm

Despite afflictions associated with aging, my mother retains her sense of humor.  In other words, she still laughs at my bad jokes and puns.

When our local PBS channel recently had its biannual pledge drive, the gardening shows we normally watch on Saturday mornings were pre-empted by "special" programs that are aired only during fundraising time.  My mom asked me, "Do you want to watch Yoga for Arthritis?"  I answered, "Why would anyone do yoga if it's going to give them arthritis?"

At another time, my mom saw an overweight woman (maybe an actress, maybe a game show contestant) on TV and politely remarked, "She's kind of heavy."  "If that's 'kind of'," I replied, "I'd hate to see 'very'."

Friday, August 25, 2017

Sucker Punch

After clocking out for the day, one of our employees asked if any of us was going to watch the boxing match this weekend.  If I were rude, I would've told him what I thought.  "Just because grown men are stupid enough to beat each other up doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to watch them do it."

A Bit of Entomological Humor

Many animals, such as ants or bees, live in colonies or similar groupings.  I prefer to think of them as living "in sects".

(For more insect humor, see also my 8/22/07 post.)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

She Can Just Kiss My "S"

A saleswoman at work always leaves the apostrophe-S off our company name.  (For the sake of anonymity, let's call my employer Chlorophyll's Landscaping.)  She always tells people on the phone, "This is L from Chlorophyll Landscaping."  It drives me nuts, but I'm trying to accept it.  After all, there might be something wrong with her.

Yesterday, she exclaimed to a coworker, "Oh, I love McDonald pancakes!"

Nope, it's not just our company's name she does it to.  There's definitely something wrong with her.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

This Is a Good Time to Sing a Sad Song

A couple of weeks ago, news stories noted that it was the 40th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death.  They mentioned he was 42 years old when he died.  Geez, I'm four years older than that now, and this was the guy people were calling "the old Elvis" when they were voting on his stamp.

Monday, August 21, 2017

It's Always Darkest Before the Eclipse

I have a terrible track record with solar eclipses.  Today makes 3 out of 4 I could not see.  (That's even worse than my record of voting for winning candidates.)  When I was in elementary school (late 70's/early 80's), I missed the eclipse because it was cloudy in southern N.J.  The same thing happened in junior high (early/mid 80's).  When I was in college (the 90's) in N.M., I finally had the chance to experience an eclipse.  I didn't buy a pair of solar shades to look at the sun; seeing the unusual shadows beneath trees was cool enough for me.

Today was cloudy.  For a state where it "never" rains, it sure has rained a lot this year.  (Well, maybe frequency, if not quantity.)  There was a brief period when the clouds were a little less thick, and our mechanic here at work told us to look at the sun through his welding mask.*  The sun basically looked like a crescent moon.  I think I might've preferred unusual shadows beneath trees, but the clouds were too thick for that.

Not everyone in NM will be sad that they couldn't see it.  According to this news story (and many others available for reading online), the Navajo Nation considers an eclipse a time for "reverence and renewal", so please respect your neighbors and don't turn it into a party.

* Because of the tinting, the sun appeared green.  Aha!  Astronomers have been lying to us all along!  It's isn't the moon that's made of green cheese; it's the sun!

Thursday, August 17, 2017

My Mom Used to Say I Was Too Big for My Britches

When my mom needs to go someplace, I drive her in her car.  Occasionally, I'll use mine.  The caregiver also sometimes takes my mom places.

Any time I use the car after the caregiver, I have to lower the seat and move it back and adjust the mirrors.  Indeed, I have to perch on the edge of the seat and adjust it before I can get my head or legs into the car.  The past couple of times I have done this, I've noticed that my legs don't quite straighten out, my view through the top of the windshield is less than it was before, and the digital speedometer is obscured by the top edge of the dashboard.  (The analog speedometer is still visible.)  This makes me feel that I'm getting taller.

I kind of think that maybe the seat isn't going as far back and down as it used to.  I'm not sure because the seat controls aren't giving any obvious symptoms, like whining or grinding, that they just can't do as much as they used to.  I had the brief thought of taking it to the dealership to have it checked out, but since it's a luxury car, any repair is liable to be expensive.  I guess I'll just have to get used to bending over the steering wheel to see when red lights turn green.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I Really "Get Into" My Work

You know you're a gardener when... drop your trousers, and leaves fall out.

It's Rhyme Time

Furry Murray was worried, so he hurried and scurried.  At least, I think he did.  My eyesight is kind of blurry.

Friday, August 04, 2017

G-d Helps Those Who Help Themselves

I thought yesterday's morning commuters were worse than normal:  more speeders ("maniacs") than usual; more drivers who pass me, pull in front of me, then slow down; more people driving at an inconsistent speed, so I come up behind them, start to pass them, then they speed up; and the two (not just one) drivers who passed me on the on-ramp to the interstate.

This morning was worse.  I had barely started my commute.  I had left my neighborhood and turned on to the connector road.  At the next development entrance, some schmuck in an expensive, foreign sports car either ignored the stop sign or didn't see me on the road or was distracted or was merely stupid and pulled in front of me.  I hit my brakes; s/he hit his/her brakes.  We didn't collide.  (Um, I was already awake; I didn't need the adrenaline jolt, thank you.)

Shortly after, at the stoplight to turn from the connector road onto the arterial road, I had a green arrow to turn left, and the car next to me had a green light to drive straight ahead.  We proceeded.  The car across from me in the opposite left-turn lane, who had arrived too late to trigger his/her own turn arrow and (should have) had a red light, also proceeded and made the turn on red.  The car next to me and the car across from me did not collide.

I think it's great that I'm alert enough and aware enough and have a decent response time to get around all these idiots.  Still, I think I'll stay home this weekend.

G-d Save Me from Helpful People

When I arrived home last night, I saw that someone had mowed our front lawn.  I don't know where to begin.

1) It's a Buffalograss lawn.  It grows no more than 3" to 4" tall.  It doesn't need mowing.
2) We have a reel mower.  I don't need anyone to do it for me.
3) We didn't ask or tell anyone to do it.
4) The person cut it so short, the grass is scalped.  Instead of a grayish green grass that fluffles gently in the breeze, we have a yellow and brown crew cut.
5) The person didn't bother removing the grass clippings from the sidewalk.  (I went out after dinner and swept them onto the remnanats of the lawn myself.)

Then, when I went to the fridge to get dinner, I saw that the Thursday caregiver had pre-heated two TV dinners.  That's a common part of the services provided.  However, there already were two TV dinners pre-heated by the Wednesday caregiver -- and the last of the Chinese restaurant leftovers from the weekend and the leftovers from the large tray of chicken and pasta I had cooked on the weekend.  Do I have to leave a note that says, "If there's already food in the fridge, don't make more!"?

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

What's Wrong with This Picture?

The Albuquerque news is full of crimes, and reporters are heard to wonder why the crime rate is rising.  They haven't made the simple connection to a record-low number of police officers.  Some people play the odds and commit crimes because they're less likely to be apprehended.

I was discussing crime-solving cars in an e-mail conversation with a friend, and I had this thought.  Think of the number of police cars you see in a given week.  Now think of the number of pizza delivery cars you see in a week.  Which number is higher?