Anhydrous Wit

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I think I blew a logic circuit.

Gym Rat wasn't at the gym yesterday, so I asked his boss why not. It turns out he had opened that day, so he left early. "Wait a minute," I told his boss. "I started work at 6:00 too, but I stayed late for a meeting, and now I'm working out, and I'm paying you to do it? Something's wrong here."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Roadster Warrior

I saw a Saturn Sky on the road the other day. You know I'm not a sportscar type, but I want this car. Never mind its miniscule trunk and capacity for only one passenger. It's a sweet car. Unfortunately, I'm too big for it.

I went to the Saturn dealership in my town and told the salesman I wanted to sit in it. After pushing the seat all the way back, I climbed down into it and shut the door. The remaining space wasn't enough for me to move my arms. Sure, my feet reached the pedals, but being able to steer would have been nice, too. I didn't ask the salesman to close the open roof of the convertible, lest an unfortunate event take place. Sigh. My first and last sportscar is never to be.

I am redeemed slightly, however, by noting that the driver of the car I saw the other day had completely gray hair. I'm not that old. I don't look that old. (Right?) Is it really a midlife crisis car? If so, I'm glad I didn't get one.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Maybe I should date a bathroom.

The photo caption reads, "Restroom areas should be warm and attractive, as well as clean and convenient."

This is in an article titled "Germ Wars" by Kris Alderson in the February 2009 issue of American School and University magazine.

The article also mentions, "A survey conducted by papermaker Kimberly-Clark found that some school restrooms are so uninviting and even repellent that one out of five students refuses to use them. Another study found that more than two out of five middle school and high school students avoid using bathrooms."

I'd like to see the questions on those surveys. I don't think the problem is with the restrooms themselves (and I have examples from my own life to support my argument). In junior high, I didn't use the school bathrooms because there were no doors on the stalls. In high school, I didn't use them because they were populated by smokers (but they had doors).

I thought of an alternative. Tell me if you think it will work. I've noticed that some airports eliminated doors to the restrooms (but keep them in the stalls), using switchback or curved entrances instead. My guess is that this is for the convenience of travelers carrying purses, briefcases, or other carry-on bags. How about installing them in high school bathrooms, so that cigarette smoke won't be contained behind a closed door? Get rid of the denizens that make the restroom unfavorable, and students might not be afraid to use them any more.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Open for Interpretation

I overheard this during a presentation in the meeting room adjacent to Thing One's office today.

"I don't sell you a box; I sell you a framework."

To me, a framework is corners and edges. Aha! He's selling an open box. (That must be worth more.)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Seatbelts, demmit!

One of Tweety's sisters was in a car wreck last week. The sister was the only one who survived; the driver and other passenger died. None of the three was wearing a seatbelt. The doctors don't yet know if she will live or, if so, in what condition.

I'd rather be covered in my own vomit and excrement but still strapped in and alive than dead or in a hospital with an unknown prognosis. Please wear your seatbelts, too!

Monday, April 20, 2009


The radio reporter said this morning that Baghdad residents prefer having neighbors of the same religious sect. That's right; they're afraid of the opposite sects.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Short Arm of the Law

Question: Can a police officer pull you over for running a stop sign if s/he is on the cell phone while driving?

Answer: Not likely, especially if s/he makes a turn without signaling, while talking on the cell phone while driving.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Fat Chance

Albertson's, the grocery chain, is running a contest with a Monopoly theme. (At least, it is in New Mexico.)

Customers receive a game packet with each purchase, as well as one for each specially designated item they purchase. Each packet contains a store coupon and four game tokens.

Thanks to stocking up on yogurt the other day, I received 17 packets. That means 68 tokens -- 68 chances to finally complete a section on my game board and win a prize.

Check that. One of the tokens always is half a chance to enter a drawing for a cruise. (You don't win a cruise, just the chance to enter a drawing to win one.) That leaves 51 chances.

Of those 51 chances, only 2 were new for me, and I haven't even won one of the $2.00 store gift cards yet.

What do you think are my chances of winning anything?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Is "generic obese woman" one of the categories at

I had a repeat dream last night. I never used to be the type of person one reads about, who has the same dream over and over, but it has happened a few times in the past couple of years.

This dream wasn't exactly the same, but it was in the same location and the same theme: I was trying to get out of a building that does not exist on my campus (vaguely located between the science/math buildings and the engineering buildings). This morning's dream, though, had two distinct additions.

First, after wandering through many classrooms and offices, someone took pity on me and told me how to get out of the building. It was one of those generic, obese office workers who seem to be a staple on this campus. As soon as I went down the stairs she told me to, there was the door to a sunny courtyard.

Second, before I left the building, I stepped over what appeared to be two pieces of Pistol Pete's arm. In the courtyard, I saw several sculptures of parade floats. Students and I were reading the names, wondering how they related to what we saw, and laughing that a chicken on one of the sculptures looked more like a dragon.

The best I can think of so far is that my subconscious is telling me to welcome the end of my job here because it's no longer a fun place to work. We used to be able to laugh here. Now, if one of my interviews is with a generic, obese woman, I'll take the job.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Does this make me a stoner?

Yesterday, the employee health center had free blood pressure, glucose, and cholesterol exams. (Don't worry; I passed with flying colors.) The nurse stuck my finger but didn't get enough blood. She stuck another finger -- and didn't get enough blood. She enlisted the other nurse to stick yet another finger, and they both rubbed along my arm (and the rubber gloves caused my arm to shed on the table) and squeezed my hand, and after at least a minute, they were able to draw enough blood from me. I remarked that it was like getting blood from a stone.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

You like me! You really like me!

I attended a public meeting last night, and as I stood in line at the podium to speak my piece, I reflected that my stinky, sweaty gym clothes didn't seem to fit in with the business-casual or business dress of the other participants and attendants. (Nor should I have had onions on my burger, but that was the only way I could squeeze in dinner after work and my workout and before the meeting, but I digress.)

Later on, one of the respondents referred back to "the gentleman from the BPFAC" (which would be me). The university representative who sat next to me leaned over and whispered, "You're a gentleman."

Incidentally, I did stretch the podium's microphone up as far as it would go, and I still had to bend over to speak into it -- and lean over some more because it couldn't hold the outstretched position after being used by short... er, average sized people all night.

May I suggest a few other victims?

I'd rather throw baseballs at certain coworkers, but here's a kinder, gentler way to relieve stress.

Mark your calendar for this year’s Cream the Dean fundraiser at New Mexico State University. The event takes place at noon Wednesday, April 8, at the Traders Plaza next to the Business Complex at NMSU. The event is organized by Delta Sigma Pi and the money raised will go to the Community Foundation of Southern New Mexico.

Garrey Carruthers, dean of the College of Business, Steven Castillo, dean of the College of Engineering, Michael Morehead, interim dean of the College of Education, Robert Rhodes, interim dean of the College of Health and Social Services and Peter Gregware, associate dean of the College of Arts and Sciences have agreed to take part in this year’s event.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Shall we play a game?

I was introduced to the game of Mexican Train Dominoes this weekend. I grew up with thinking the only thing dominoes were good for is setting up and knocking over in a chain reaction. This game was actually pretty fun. Anyone want to play?

Yes, we have Passover foods!

The matzoh and stuff is right there, at the end of that aisle, right behind, er, that rack of, um, bread.

I'm a Norwegian Bachelor Farmer.

Except I have no Norse ancestry. And I don't farm, but I do grow things for a living, and I grow a bit of my own food. But Scottish-Polish Bachelor Horticulturist just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Incidentally, I didn't intend on planting anything this year, since I don't yet know if I'll be able to take care of my pot garden all summer. However, I planted some potatoes yesterday. I had to; they had crossed the line from "edible" into "threatening to take over my pantry".

Friday, April 03, 2009

Squeeze your creative juices.

As I brushed my teeth this morning, I came up with the first line of a poem. You are invited to continue it. Let's see where it goes. There's a bit of meter in there (it sounds like it could go in the style of Dr. Seuss, but it also could go Shel Silverstein), but we could go for free verse or blank verse as well. Invite your creative friends to join in, too.

Shall I go to work today?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Heyyyy you guyyyys!

I received the monthly PBS/NPR programming guide from my campus stations yesterday. I see that The Electric Company is returning (or has returned) to the airwaves. This was one of my favorite programs when I was a kid. (It's also how Spiderman, then called Spidey, became my favorite superhero.)

In stark contrast, I learned from Dave White's blog about yet another reality show that never should have been made: Bulging Brides.